shining, shimmering, splendid

Some days are for dwelling on the past.  Some are for preparing for the future.  And some are for leaving.

Tomorrow, I'm going to Germany.  I'll be there for 12 days, exploring places like Düsseldorf, Aachen, Saarbrücken, and Bochum.  I'll go to a wedding.  I'll go on a boat tour.  I'll visit various UNESCO World Heritage sites by bus.  I will see beautiful art and architecture.  I will see places that have been emblazoned across the annals of history.  I will eat delicious food, and spend time with awesome friends.  This will be my first time in Europe, and I'm extremely excited.

I doubt that I'll be doing much posting from Europe; I'm not bringing a computer, so I'll just have my phone as a wifi device to access the internet.  But rest assured that I will be taking a fair number of photos, and definitely subjecting you to them on my return.

This trip has me thinking a lot about my last (and only other) international excursion (not counting Canada, of course; who would?):  Japan.  Now, I was in Japan for four solid months, so there aren't really a lot of comparisons.  But I went back and looked at some pictures from my time in Japan, and it completely blew me away to see how much I've changed.  That was six years ago, but it feels almost like looking at a completely different person.  Even the facial expressions I see myself making -- I don't think I can do those anymore.  Some pieces of me that I carried for so long, just left behind somewhere along the way...

The most major difference, though, is in my self-perception.  Back then, I would have told you I was quite a loud person, and I was; I talked all the time, I talked to anybody, and I talked freely about my opinions.  I wasn't quite as ear-puncturing in volume as some people I've known, but I was a loudmouth.  Nowadays, I will tell you that I'm a quiet person.  That absolutely isn't true, but it's how I feel about myself.

My wife says that it isn't actually that I'm quiet; instead, she thinks I'm wiser now, and less prone to shooting my mouth off just for the attention.  And yes, the histrionics have largely ceased.  But oh, how I miss them.  I used to believe, in my heart of hearts, that any attention was good attention.  This caused, I am sure, several people to grow tired of my company.  But did that attitude, at the same time, grant me the courage to reach out and make even more friends than it may have cost?  Then again, would those friends simply be less discriminating, and I'm the worse off for permitting myself to have associated with them?!?!

It doesn't matter now.  The Japanese have a saying:  the nail that stands out will be hammered down.  But Japan didn't obliterate my desire to be noticed; that personality change happened in law school.  Law school is a place you should go if you are good at not being noticed, I think, because evading the piercing gaze of the professors as they pitch their impossible questions at you will be the skill you develop the most if you decide to attend.  Law schools claim to celebrate their outstanding students; in reality, nothing is celebrated.  The ego exists merely to be broken down.

And so it was with me.  Any self-confidence I possessed was shattered upon my arrival in that new place.  My youthful, eager heart was torn out, replaced with an empty, mechanical organ that nourishes the body, but never the soul.

I looked at those pictures of myself from Japan -- a boy with a face that was designed to draw people in, intended to convey all the exciting things I wanted to talk about with you -- and I wondered if there was a way to get that feeling back.  I don't want to go back in time; I don't want to be cursed with that pathological drive to be the center of attention.  But maybe there's some way to want it without needing it.

So I looked at those pictures, then I looked in a mirror and started practicing expressions.  I'm going to Germany, you see, and I'm going to gather some amazing stories to share with people.  I want to be able to see in the eyes of my listeners that I've taken them with me, that I've managed to get across some small part of what made the trip truly special (as I'm sure it will be).  I'm going to smile, and put that twinkle in my eyes, and you'll all be carried away.