I will confess the reason I have not written a real blog post in months. It is due to my adhering to the mindset expressed in my post of September 1st.
I was taken with the notion of "writing for myself." I wanted it to be that way. But then, every time I sat down to write a blog post, I couldn't avoid first envisioning how others might react to it. And I let those imagined reactions put me off writing almost entirely.
My major mistake, I think, was in trying to identify some isolated "self" to write for. I don't exist in isolation! My "own" desires and interests are a reflection of my interactions with the people around me. I can't write a blog post without considering others! This blog would not even exist without others. And so.
I'm ashamed by my naivete.
Looking at my last full post (not the poem or the movie review), it strikes me that these are the words of a defeated man. And I am no less defeated today -- I'm just strong enough now to cast aside the cheap rationalizations and recognize the fact. We are all, in some ways, defeated by life. I would like to share an image with you.
This picture is from the webcomic Achewood, and is the creator's conception of the Wheel of Karma. It is the circle of judgment; it is the scale on which a man's life is balanced, though he is always found wanting.
It is my understanding that we progress along the Wheel naturally, and only the icy heat of anger can impair that progress. The Wheel itself judges individuals by analyzing their personality traits and life circumstances. I will transcribe what is written on the Wheel, along with my best guess for each layer's meaning:
Outer Ring (The Good We Give Ourselves): Virtue, Health, Outlook, Good Deeds, Hospitality, Improvement, Investment, End????t (possibly Endearment, Endorsement, Endowment?)
Second Ring (The Good We Give the World): Danger, Beauty, Sociable, Popular, Endorsing, Scruff, Introspective, Charm
Third Ring (The Bad We Give the World): Violence, Vanity, Invasive, Ignorant, Lying, Filth, Self-Obsessed, Arrogance
Fourth Ring (Our Curse): Foundling, Bastard, Gypsy, Enfeebled, Harelip, Whelkspine, Octocephaly, Lash of Thanatos
Fifth Ring (Our Wounder): Wounded by Parent, Wounded by Others, Wounded by Self, Wounded by God
Place yourself on the Wheel and learn your fate. The image has some highlighted already, for a miserable cat. They are Virtue, Scruff, Self-Obsessed, Lash of Thanatos, and Wounded by God. To give you some idea, that combination would result in reincarnation as a baby dog.
Does that give you some idea? No? That's fine. Figure it out. The Wheel welcomes us all.
I will place myself.
Improvement, Charm, Lying, Gypsy, Wounded by Others. Anger is a factor, but not a very significant one.
I judge that I will be reincarnated as a cuckoo.
Give it your best shot.
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