one's company

I am terrified of meeting new people.  You'd probably never know it, to see me interact with somebody for the first time -- I'm all smiles, politeness, courtesy.  I've absorbed well our society's norms for first-time interactions, and I generally get across the I'm-a-little-weird-but-still-sane vibe that I try to project.  Joke's on them; I'm extremely weird and totally crazy!  And you know, once you've gotten me in front of that person, it's not so bad.  It's the lead-up, the anticipation, the uncertainty that gets me.

A person unknown can be one of a billion different things, and I must be prepared to deal with any of them.  When meeting somebody new, I'm lucky if I even know his or her name in advance; that at least gives me a hint about gender, age, and heritage.  And every bit of knowledge I have about someone is slightly less anxiety for me.  Unknowns could be fatal!  I could make an offhand comment that turns out to be a terrible faux pas because I didn't know that somebody had grown up in a circus, or some such.  Carnies can be so sensitive.

I suppose I might be overly concerned with making a poor impression.  I'm just not sure if there's a better way to ensure you make a good impression than fretting maniacally over it.  And it seems to have worked pretty well so far, as people usually have a pretty good opinion of me!  Except...how many opportunities have I missed because I was too nervous to engage in this or that social interaction?

Then again, meeting people for the first time is hardly my only social issue.  Integrating myself into any established social order has also been a source of constant terror in my life.  The worst of it is that my definition of "established social order" is hideously amorphous -- I used to have to steel myself for the better part of an hour before I could walk into my own family's parties, because I was so afraid of interfering with whatever social dynamics were occurring already.

What is that about.

It's getting better; I'm closing in on that sweet spot where I'm considerate enough to try, but jaded enough that it wouldn't bother me if things don't go so well.  Also, my self-regard increases dramatically with each passing year, so I now believe that whatever social dynamic somebody is currently experiencing couldn't possibly be as good as talking to me.  I dare you to prove me wrong.