I present to you:
THE NEW SCOTT RODEO
This team of misfits is rarin' to go! I am pretty sure we are going to score some touchdowns, and maybe a safety or two!
Actually, I'm not a complete ignoramus when it comes to the vicissitudes of that most American of Sports; my friends endeavored gaily to indoctrinate me into the ways of the gridiron last year, and though they mostly failed utterly, I came out of it with a minor understanding of the rules, ways, and means of passing a little oblong ball up and down a grassy plain.
I've got some players, some lines, some measuring tape, and a few guys in convict's outfits I rented from Halloween Adventure. I am ready to GET THIS GAME UNDERWAY.
After letting the website do most of the drafting for me, because I Do Not Understand That Stuff, I set my sights on trying to figure out what I need to do to win this fantasy football thing. Lo and behold, the crux of the matter is determining which teams get more "points," which are granted for special "plays" performed by specific "players" which have been "drafted" to that team. Regardless of actual earthly team allegiance, a player's individual performance (or, maddeningly, a whole team's defensive performance) is the sole measure by which each fantasy team of diversely sourced athletes derives its success or failure. Specific plays are granted a certain number of points per position based on a variety of factors including yardage and...I don't know. Probably something else, something very football-y. Sacks must figure prominently in there somewhere. Burlap sacks.
With resin.
As I stared at pages and pages of tables, at millions of productive man-hours being poured down a bottomless funnel of fake football, the charts and numbers began to swirl together, and it transformed from a heroic battle of armored warriors into...a bunch of imaginary numbers being calculated over and over again, and forming a pretend outcome. It was like...well. I'll let the charts do the talking.
Can you tell which of the above is from fantasy football, and which is from Dungeons & Dragons? Now, friends, I play Dungeons & Dragons (or games like it) on a weekly basis; I possess a Star Wars lunch bag; I have been known to attend the Renaissance Faire twice in one season. I, in fact, consider myself a literal scholar of the "A Song of Ice and Fire" series by George R. R. Martin. Despite all this, I can state with confidence that I have never encountered anything nearly as nerdy as fantasy football and the statistical machinations and analyses that go into its planning and execution. If I weren't a more tolerant and understanding person, pleased to permit each individual to enjoy whatsoever pastime he chooses, I would be utterly embarrassed for the people who actually look forward to this.
It's true that there isn't anything special or appealing to me about football, fantasy or otherwise. But I know that people take such great joy in it -- and, knowing that, it's something that I should endeavor to appreciate, as well. Else how shall I ever claim to understand the swell and throng of humanity, were I not to taste of the same fruits they have? We are only ever above those who think themselves our betters, and the same goes for everyone. Enjoy yourselves!
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